It's a love-fear relationship
I'm feeling a bit restless tonight and by restless I mean my spirit is uneasy. I'm thinking about the present and the future and something's not settled.
I've had a very diverse weekend. Friday kid fun night turned into "take Shane's fever" night as it went up and down and back up. Saturday was spent making sandwiches for the soup kitchen, catching the last inning of the boys baseball game, A NAP!!! and then dinner for a sweet sixteen year old's birthday celebration. Then today (Sunday) I spent the day serving at a soup kitchen in Atlanta.
Not that you need to know the mundane (or exciting) things that I did this weekend but I'm just pointing out that there wasn't anything drama worthy. Nothing that I haven't really done before and nothing that I won't do again. But still this unsteadiness remains.
I think that the problem is stemming from the uncertainty about the future. In one sense I have everthing mapped out. I know what my goals are and what they look like. I know the steps to acheiving them and try to make progress on them daily. I have a clear picture in my mind of what I want to happen, feel needs to happen, and feel God calling to happen.
But in another sense I have no idea what the future holds. I've mapped out things before only to have to take a different route. And while I don't feel that God is making any changes in my final destination(s), I do feel like He may be updating my itinerary without my input -and that unsettles me.
I think its fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of consequences for my lack of faith when times get tough.
But as a wise 15 year old reminded me at dinner on Saturday - our relationship with God is a love-fear relationship. I love God. I mean REALLY love God. God and I are tight right now. I wake up everyday telling Him such. Its not always this lovey-dovey with God but right now I'm in a state of awe that I desparately want to sustain as long as possible. And even amidst this love, I still have fear. I know God's power. And I also know that God laughs at me when I write down my short term and long term goals. Not that this process is not important but I can just hear God chuckling and saying "Sure Shannon, that's a good plan. Stick with it until I tell you otherwise."
So for now I'll just hold tight to the words of the other wise person of the weekend. One of the guys that I served soup to; the one that gave me a fist bump. He said, "You know you're a Christian because you stop looking at your sins and start looking at God. God died for your sins so that you don't have to keep looking at them anymore. Look up toward God. He loves you despite your sin so why shouldn't you love yourself in spite of it too."
It may not have removed my uneasiness but it did put things in perspective. He doesn't know where he'll get his next meal or lay his head and I'm worried about my long range goals.
As I sort all of this out, I think I'll focus on the awesomeness of God and all the blessings that I have right now and try, just try to put things back in God's hands - which is where we all should be.
Until Everyone Hears,